Eminem, on his album Recovery, had his demons doing jumping jacks. I've concluded that everyone has their own demons to exercise. You don't know what makes the cashier at your local grocery store tick. You don't know what eats at him or what keeps him up at night. You don't know what he needs to do to make himself happy or even satisfied. All you know is that he's taking too long to ring up your purchase.
I really value the time on Sundays that I get to spend alone with my thoughts and feelings. I usually start the day by going to church for 8 am, and other than socializing with a great group of people old enough to be my parents, I find the time to reflect on the week, gather my thoughts, and remember what's important. I end the day with an hour drive home on relatively bare roads, again, thinking, feeling and putting it all in perspective. The two bookends of my Sundays get me and my demons the exercise that we need.
I find that I wrestle with my thoughts and feelings a lot more than you might think. I have my good days and my bad days...and I think the good outnumber the bad. The bad days sting though...I'm angry, vindictive, and selfish. They're not days that make me feel good.
Cliche as it may sound, I do believe that how you feel is contagious. Feeling good today makes me more likely to feel good tomorrow. Feeling crappy today makes me more likely to feel crappy tomorrow. The people in my life almost always inspire me to be better...their unbridled optimism, enthusiasm and care for the things they do often serve as a kick in the butt for me...and it helps me remember that I also can control how I behave. My dad used to tell me regularly, "you can't control how you feel, but you can control how you behave." Turns out, by controlling how you behave, you can control a bit of how you feel.
Controlling how you behave still feels like a charade at times. I don't always feel like saying or doing the right thing...and plenty of times I don't. For me, the single best way to keep myself on task and feeling good is to check in with my emotions regularly. I need to take a moment out of my busy life to get those demons some exercise...to look them in the eye and deal with them. For me, spending some time with my thoughts kneeling in a pew helps....so does driving alone late at night. Everyone deals with their demons differently...but you need to deal with them. You can't survive otherwise.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Thank goodness for the offseason.
I know I promised not to write much about serious Ultimate related topics...but it's time for at least a few paragraphs about it.
This year was quite the journey. Twelve months ago, I dreamed of a mixed team from Connecticut that could play at an elite level and fit into my new life as a father. I planned, recruited, led, and eventually formed that team. District 5 lived up to all of my goals and expectations; it was a rewarding, competitive, viable way to keep playing high level ultimate but to preserve at least 2 weekends each month for family time.
My 27 teammates made the experience unforgettable. They proved that my dreams were possible, and that together we could accomplish great things. Last weekend we competed together at USAU Club National Championships, and lost in the Finals. As a leader and a captain, I couldn't be prouder of what my team accomplished. Our daily goal to win the next point and to play better in the next half carried us through one half at a time...all the way to the end.
As a player, though, I'm really disappointed. I feel, more than anything, angry that I let my teammates down. In the moments that could have defined our season, on a broadcast seen by people across the world, they needed me. They needed me to be composed, to be a stopper, and to lead by example. They needed the fiery competitor who doesn't take no for an answer instead of the collected leader who has the thoughtful thing to say. They needed me to DO. Letting them down in that role makes me angrier than I've been in a long, long time. I'm sure it will take me several months to get over this anger.
I'm looking forward to leaving ultimate alone for a while. I'm hoping to play on a soccer team this winter with some of my MBA classmates. I'm hoping to find a pickup basketball game to play in. I'm looking for a place where I can be a player...blend in, do my thing, play hard to win. I need some space to FEEL...instead of some time to THINK. This is the second time on this blog that I've thought of a woman I used to work for...who cautioned me, as much for my own personal growth as for my professional growth, that I should pay more attention to what I feel and stop spending so much energy on what I think.
I feel angry. I feel like a failure. In the face of countless compliments and congratulations about District 5's performance this year....I always think....the goal was never to win nationals. The big picture goal was to do basically what I did...to build a team that could play at a high level and fit into my life.
But...the goal was to win that game. I've been competing since I was a little kid. I've always played to win. Leaving my teammates in a spot where they needed me to bite and claw, to really battle for us...really, really hurts.
Thank goodness for the offseason.
EDIT: 11/5/2010 - We talk a lot about being better this time than the last. I just re-read the previous post, Man in the Glass...and it reminded me that this is how I felt after the last Sunday performance...at Regionals. Doesn't say much for learning from my mistakes...
This year was quite the journey. Twelve months ago, I dreamed of a mixed team from Connecticut that could play at an elite level and fit into my new life as a father. I planned, recruited, led, and eventually formed that team. District 5 lived up to all of my goals and expectations; it was a rewarding, competitive, viable way to keep playing high level ultimate but to preserve at least 2 weekends each month for family time.
My 27 teammates made the experience unforgettable. They proved that my dreams were possible, and that together we could accomplish great things. Last weekend we competed together at USAU Club National Championships, and lost in the Finals. As a leader and a captain, I couldn't be prouder of what my team accomplished. Our daily goal to win the next point and to play better in the next half carried us through one half at a time...all the way to the end.
As a player, though, I'm really disappointed. I feel, more than anything, angry that I let my teammates down. In the moments that could have defined our season, on a broadcast seen by people across the world, they needed me. They needed me to be composed, to be a stopper, and to lead by example. They needed the fiery competitor who doesn't take no for an answer instead of the collected leader who has the thoughtful thing to say. They needed me to DO. Letting them down in that role makes me angrier than I've been in a long, long time. I'm sure it will take me several months to get over this anger.
I'm looking forward to leaving ultimate alone for a while. I'm hoping to play on a soccer team this winter with some of my MBA classmates. I'm hoping to find a pickup basketball game to play in. I'm looking for a place where I can be a player...blend in, do my thing, play hard to win. I need some space to FEEL...instead of some time to THINK. This is the second time on this blog that I've thought of a woman I used to work for...who cautioned me, as much for my own personal growth as for my professional growth, that I should pay more attention to what I feel and stop spending so much energy on what I think.
I feel angry. I feel like a failure. In the face of countless compliments and congratulations about District 5's performance this year....I always think....the goal was never to win nationals. The big picture goal was to do basically what I did...to build a team that could play at a high level and fit into my life.
But...the goal was to win that game. I've been competing since I was a little kid. I've always played to win. Leaving my teammates in a spot where they needed me to bite and claw, to really battle for us...really, really hurts.
Thank goodness for the offseason.
EDIT: 11/5/2010 - We talk a lot about being better this time than the last. I just re-read the previous post, Man in the Glass...and it reminded me that this is how I felt after the last Sunday performance...at Regionals. Doesn't say much for learning from my mistakes...
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Self Profile
So one of the official deliverables for this blog is the results of a self-profiling exercise. My class at school is emphasizing the importance of knowing what's out on the Web about yourself....so here it goes. Note: this is not the same as Googling yourself.
-LinkedIn Profile....that's good, I guess. It's info that I maintain about myself, and represents me well. Score one for me.
-Bio page from Tuftsemen.org from my senior year at Tufts. Not a lot of information...but mostly accurate and not overly embarassing. "Mouth" was a lame nickname attempt that never stuck. Too bad.
-Match's blog post about Throwing you Fire...yeah. Not one of my finest moments...not entirely accurate, but you get the gist. A great story told among friends over some beers...not a great story for public consumption.
-District5ultimate.com....a site I maintain for my current ultimate team. Good, positive, accurate info.
After that, the results are mostly for people searches, a handful of forum posts of mine, and other John Korbers of the world.
All in all, not too terrible...but it would be good to get that Fire Throwing debacle out of there....
EDIT: 11/5/2010 - After generating some web news with District 5's performance this weekend, I revisited the google search...and got mostly the same results. D5 didn't show up until the second page of results and the order of the first page didn't change. Interesting.
-LinkedIn Profile....that's good, I guess. It's info that I maintain about myself, and represents me well. Score one for me.
-Bio page from Tuftsemen.org from my senior year at Tufts. Not a lot of information...but mostly accurate and not overly embarassing. "Mouth" was a lame nickname attempt that never stuck. Too bad.
-Match's blog post about Throwing you Fire...yeah. Not one of my finest moments...not entirely accurate, but you get the gist. A great story told among friends over some beers...not a great story for public consumption.
-District5ultimate.com....a site I maintain for my current ultimate team. Good, positive, accurate info.
After that, the results are mostly for people searches, a handful of forum posts of mine, and other John Korbers of the world.
All in all, not too terrible...but it would be good to get that Fire Throwing debacle out of there....
EDIT: 11/5/2010 - After generating some web news with District 5's performance this weekend, I revisited the google search...and got mostly the same results. D5 didn't show up until the second page of results and the order of the first page didn't change. Interesting.
Finding peace
Last spring, in preparation for getting my son baptized, I started attending the Episcopal Church in my town. I'd driven by it hundreds of times since we'd moved into our house, but never went. Initially, I went to familiarize myself with the parish and parish community, as well as to convince my wife that going was a good thing. My mom, while never an overly religious person, suggested attending just as a way to get away from the bustle of daily life for a few hours, and to connect spiritually with yourself.
Since about June, I've been going to church on any Sunday when I'm not at practice or a tournament. I go to the 8 o'clock service..probably 25 people at maximum show up, and most are twenty or thirty years older than I. Despite lacking many personal connections with others in the parish or even being able to remember anyone's name, going to church has been great. It provides me with a chance to take a deep breathe, reflect on my life, my actions, and how blessed I am. It gives me an opportunity to connect with God, and to share such a connection with other people who come in search of their own inner peace.
In a time in my life with lots going on, church has provided a much needed rock in my weekly routine. I'm thankful that I started going again, and and glad that the church going experience has been a positive one for me. In all, it's been much less about the religious aspects of the experience....but more about the spiritual. It truly has helped me be more at peace with myself. If you could use some inner peace, I'd recommend seeking out a religious community. I'd expect that it'd be a nice change for the better.
Since about June, I've been going to church on any Sunday when I'm not at practice or a tournament. I go to the 8 o'clock service..probably 25 people at maximum show up, and most are twenty or thirty years older than I. Despite lacking many personal connections with others in the parish or even being able to remember anyone's name, going to church has been great. It provides me with a chance to take a deep breathe, reflect on my life, my actions, and how blessed I am. It gives me an opportunity to connect with God, and to share such a connection with other people who come in search of their own inner peace.
In a time in my life with lots going on, church has provided a much needed rock in my weekly routine. I'm thankful that I started going again, and and glad that the church going experience has been a positive one for me. In all, it's been much less about the religious aspects of the experience....but more about the spiritual. It truly has helped me be more at peace with myself. If you could use some inner peace, I'd recommend seeking out a religious community. I'd expect that it'd be a nice change for the better.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
One day at a time.
Life is quite the emotional rollercoaster. There are good days and bad days, and within those, good moments and bad moments. We can go from smiling and quiet to barking and crying in 60 seconds around here.
I've been trying to fix a bunch of nagging issues with my car. I guess you haven't really heard this from me yet, but I enjoy my cars. Currently I'm driving an 04 Volvo V70R MT, a fairly rare, 300 hp all wheel drive station wagon. It's a blast to drive. It has nearly 100k miles on it though, and so its starting to have its creaky issues. In the last few days, I've wrestled with check engine lights, my floppy switchblade key, some electrical gremlins, and a hard wired radar detector.
They, like life, have had their ups and downs. The other morning I fixed one electrical problem and introduced another. Yesterday I nearly cut off my thumb trying to cut a key in half. Tonight I actually finished the key project and have all of my metacarpals. Nice.
Sitting here before bed, it reminds me that each day is a little battle...you win some and you lose some. I'm starting to think that as long as you keep getting up each day and going to battle, you can't lose the war.
I've talked to some people this year about how much of a circus 2009 was for me...and how much better 2010 has been. The Ultimate season is winding down (or is it just warming up?), I'm settling into my new job, and home is finally feeling comfortable again. It's nice to reflect on things and feel like each day is another good reason to be happy...instead of another set of obstacles trying to break you down.
I hope you're feeling some clarity and peace as well.
Which reminds me...I need to write a post about church.
Until next time,
John
I've been trying to fix a bunch of nagging issues with my car. I guess you haven't really heard this from me yet, but I enjoy my cars. Currently I'm driving an 04 Volvo V70R MT, a fairly rare, 300 hp all wheel drive station wagon. It's a blast to drive. It has nearly 100k miles on it though, and so its starting to have its creaky issues. In the last few days, I've wrestled with check engine lights, my floppy switchblade key, some electrical gremlins, and a hard wired radar detector.
They, like life, have had their ups and downs. The other morning I fixed one electrical problem and introduced another. Yesterday I nearly cut off my thumb trying to cut a key in half. Tonight I actually finished the key project and have all of my metacarpals. Nice.
Sitting here before bed, it reminds me that each day is a little battle...you win some and you lose some. I'm starting to think that as long as you keep getting up each day and going to battle, you can't lose the war.
I've talked to some people this year about how much of a circus 2009 was for me...and how much better 2010 has been. The Ultimate season is winding down (or is it just warming up?), I'm settling into my new job, and home is finally feeling comfortable again. It's nice to reflect on things and feel like each day is another good reason to be happy...instead of another set of obstacles trying to break you down.
I hope you're feeling some clarity and peace as well.
Which reminds me...I need to write a post about church.
Until next time,
John
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Joy of Child
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| Helping out with the subsheet |
It is awfully difficult to come home after a rough day at work and not smile at my son. He's happy to see me, wants to have a catch in the yard (even though he's still a toddler) and knows that his mommy and I love him very much. It is even tough to be selfish...he has changed my focus onto something outside of myself. (Sure, everyone still has their selfish moments...) His healthy, safety, happiness and otherwise well-being trump things that I used to think were important.
He comes to Ultimate tournaments, puts up with my mood swings and is good to his mother. He goes with the flow, has more patience than I'd have if I were him, and already loves being my little helper. I'm lucky to have him in my life and look forward to seeing him next. Speaking of which, it's just the two of us for dinner tonight...what should we have? Burgers on the grill maybe?
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
The Guy in the Glass
This has already proven therapeutic. The blog is providing a forum for me to put thoughts into words for nobody in particular...other than myself. It has me feeling very introspective all of a sudden.
A former boss of mine (who I'm convinced sees a shrink on a regular basis) cautioned me to be better in touch with how I feel...and not always be driven by what I think.
My dad used to tell me growing up, "you can't control how you feel, but you can control how you behave" and to "always do your best."
I've spent the last few days feeling really badly about my performance playing for District 5 this past weekend. While some teammates told me I'd done a good job, I can't help feeling like I let them down. I sent an email to the group this morning, hoping to provide some motivation for them as we prepare for Regionals in a few weeks. One of them replied with a poem she memorized in high school...about judgement from the man in the mirror. I found it particularly touching....and it reminds me that the standards we set for ourselves are the standards we choose to live with. It reminds me that I can be better. Today I will be a better husband, father, and teammate.
________________________________
The Guy in the Glass by Dale Wimbrow, (c) 1934
When you get what you want in your struggle for self,
And the world makes you King for a day,
Then go to the mirror and look at yourself,
And see what that guy has to say.
For it isn't your Father, or Mother, or Wife,
Who judgement upon you must pass.
The feller whose verdict counts most in your life
Is the guy staring back from the glass.
He's the feller to please, never mind all the rest,
For he's with you clear up to the end,
And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test
If the guy in the glass is your friend.
You may be like Jack Horner and "chisel" a plum,
And think you're a wonderful guy,
But the man in the glass says you're only a bum
If you can't look him straight in the eye.
You can fool the whole world down the pathway of years,
And get pats on the back as you pass,
But your final reward will be heartaches and tears
If you've cheated the guy in the glass.
A former boss of mine (who I'm convinced sees a shrink on a regular basis) cautioned me to be better in touch with how I feel...and not always be driven by what I think.
My dad used to tell me growing up, "you can't control how you feel, but you can control how you behave" and to "always do your best."
I've spent the last few days feeling really badly about my performance playing for District 5 this past weekend. While some teammates told me I'd done a good job, I can't help feeling like I let them down. I sent an email to the group this morning, hoping to provide some motivation for them as we prepare for Regionals in a few weeks. One of them replied with a poem she memorized in high school...about judgement from the man in the mirror. I found it particularly touching....and it reminds me that the standards we set for ourselves are the standards we choose to live with. It reminds me that I can be better. Today I will be a better husband, father, and teammate.
________________________________
The Guy in the Glass by Dale Wimbrow, (c) 1934
When you get what you want in your struggle for self,
And the world makes you King for a day,
Then go to the mirror and look at yourself,
And see what that guy has to say.
For it isn't your Father, or Mother, or Wife,
Who judgement upon you must pass.
The feller whose verdict counts most in your life
Is the guy staring back from the glass.
He's the feller to please, never mind all the rest,
For he's with you clear up to the end,
And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test
If the guy in the glass is your friend.
You may be like Jack Horner and "chisel" a plum,
And think you're a wonderful guy,
But the man in the glass says you're only a bum
If you can't look him straight in the eye.
You can fool the whole world down the pathway of years,
And get pats on the back as you pass,
But your final reward will be heartaches and tears
If you've cheated the guy in the glass.
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