Thank goodness for the offseason.

I know I promised not to write much about serious Ultimate related topics...but it's time for at least a few paragraphs about it.

This year was quite the journey.  Twelve months ago, I dreamed of a mixed team from Connecticut that could play at an elite level and fit into my new life as a father.  I planned, recruited, led, and eventually formed that team.  District 5 lived up to all of my goals and expectations; it was a rewarding, competitive, viable way to keep playing high level ultimate but to preserve at least 2 weekends each month for family time.

My 27 teammates made the experience unforgettable. They proved that my dreams were possible, and that together we could accomplish great things.  Last weekend we competed together at USAU Club National Championships, and lost in the Finals. As a leader and a captain, I couldn't be prouder of what my team accomplished.  Our daily goal to win the next point and to play better in the next half carried us through one half at a time...all the way to the end.

As a player, though, I'm really disappointed.  I feel, more than anything, angry that I let my teammates down.  In the moments that could have defined our season, on a broadcast seen by people across the world, they needed me.  They needed me to be composed, to be a stopper, and to lead by example.  They needed the fiery competitor who doesn't take no for an answer instead of the collected leader who has the thoughtful thing to say.  They needed me to DO.  Letting them down in that role makes me angrier than I've been in a long, long time.  I'm sure it will take me several months to get over this anger.

I'm looking forward to leaving ultimate alone for a while.  I'm hoping to play on a soccer team this winter with some of my MBA classmates.  I'm hoping to find a pickup basketball game to play in.  I'm looking for a place where I can be a player...blend in, do my thing, play hard to win.  I need some space to FEEL...instead of some time to THINK.  This is the second time on this blog that I've thought of a woman I used to work for...who cautioned me, as much for my own personal growth as for my professional growth, that I should pay more attention to what I feel and stop spending so much energy on what I think.

I feel angry.  I feel like a failure.  In the face of countless compliments and congratulations about District 5's performance this year....I always think....the goal was never to win nationals.  The big picture goal was to do basically what I did...to build a team that could play at a high level and fit into my life.

But...the goal was to win that game.  I've been competing since I was a little kid. I've always played to win.  Leaving my teammates in a spot where they needed me to bite and claw, to really battle for us...really, really hurts.

Thank goodness for the offseason.

EDIT: 11/5/2010 - We talk a lot about being better this time than the last.  I just re-read the previous post, Man in the Glass...and it reminded me that this is how I felt after the last Sunday performance...at Regionals.  Doesn't say much for learning from my mistakes...